Stand

Lately I have been thinking about not being broken, only unfinished.

It has been a complicated month, in the life of this complicated person.  We had a wonderful trip to Europe to spend time with family and old friends, and I wasn’t prepared for some of the conversations that I would be having in these few weeks since our return, including those that I have found myself having with myself.

The hardest have been the ones involving people who matter to me.  I’ve hurt two people this month.  One was entirely my fault, the other not so entirely, but the result has been the same, and I have spent a fair amount of time with myself and God, wrestling with what I can do to make things right.  I know that there is little that is more powerful than a heartfelt apology with no excuses.  I am also realising that when I am under pressure, my survival response is to freeze.  While others may fly or fawn, and while one person in particular will fight very effectively, I find myself at a loss to think clearly ad to find words to express my thinking if I can pin it down.  I know that I am at my best with time as a companion.  But I wonder whether this would be a useful conversation for a fighter and a freezer to have?  We are all so different, and the two of us are so different, that understanding and acceptance is going to be important for two people who, nevertheless, matter to each other.

I hope I matter. 

It has also been quite a shift of mindset to find myself considering the choice of semi-retirement.  And considering that there must be a word that I like more than this out there.  Retirement is a loaded word.  And actually, so is work.   How might I balance the new rhythm of days and the gift of time that it brings?  How intentional will I need to be to release old rhythms and older ways of thinking?  What new things might I like to try?  And can I forgive myself for having days that feel perfect that do not meet any criteria at all other than lived?

It seems that forgiveness is going to be an important word.  I think I might not be very good at forgiving myself.

I’m learning that the stories we tell ourselves in our heads are important.  It’s up to me to make sure that they are good ones, ones that fill me and do not leave me empty.  That’s why I have been thinking about this phrase, although I can’t remember where it came from, only that it seems to have made its home in my mind.  This phrase brings freedom with it.  Freedom from having to get it right and perfect, from being right and perfect.  Freedom to be growing, to be bettering, to practise and then practise again.  Freedom to let go of the past, both the long ago and the yesterday.  Freedom to not be there yet but to be on my way.  Freedom to trust myself.  I was enough, I am enough, I will be enough.  There is no failure with this phrase.  Although there is a responsibility.  A responsibility to look, to see, to move.

And if I could choose one thing to say to you, it’s that.  There’s nothing wrong with you.  Try again.  You know more now.

And wait for the next story to find you.

At this very point of wondering who I think I am, that I have a business that aspires to help people to find their way and a blog that shares the way I am taking, I receive an invitation.  An invitation to be collected from the ferry terminal in Wellington and to stay for the weekend in the home of someone with whom I work, so that I am able to attend a conference that I am desperately keen to go to, but that would be out of reach without that help.  I am someone who is liked, trusted and welcome.  I am on the right path.

Fall down seven times, stand up eight.

This is who I think I am.

On my way to Wellington and still pinching myself!